I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
