people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
