i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
