Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Four minutes until I can fart!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
