dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
