Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
