I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
