11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
