I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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