hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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