Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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