I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
