girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
