Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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