I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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