she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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