i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
