You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
