Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
