Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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