I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize