I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
