Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
