I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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