either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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