I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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