You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
a search helicopter?!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
