New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
