I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
