I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
