ya dads aren't the best wingmen
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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