I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
