allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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