our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
