if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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