Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
