How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
