I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
