When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
