My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Did I show you my penis last night?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
