The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
