You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
