why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
