'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
