I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
