I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
