Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Randomize
