**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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