I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
