you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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