my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
