Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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