the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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