Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
As shirtless as possible
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
