Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
