If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
