i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
