You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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