I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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