i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
