You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
